My neighbours, McHale (15) and Yahsair (13) came over the other evening. The three of us ate yogurt with granola for dinner.

M: Yahsair, you’re gonna like this. It says organic yogurt. And organic granola.
Y: This is delicious. Is granola always like this?
Me: No, this is the sugary kind. That’s why y’all like it. What did y’all learn in school today?
Y: Nothing.
M: People think we learn something new in school each day, but that’s not true.
Me: Sad.
Y: Well, today we had an assembly. There was a woman who came with another woman cop. She was old. She was like 52. She was carrying a big gun. Bigger than the cop’s gun! When her daughter was 16, she went to a party with a friend. There was a joint. She thought it was just weed so she smoked it. Then she died. It was heroin.
Me: She OD’d?
Y: Yea. That was her only daughter!!! Now she has no kids, no grandkids.
M: You can smoke heroin?
Y: Yea. I think it was weed laced with heroin. In health class we saw a video of this kid about to be drafted to the Celtics. One night his friend gave him something to smoke. He died too.
Me: So what do you think about that?
Y: He shoulda never done it.
Me: But, how does that make you feel?
Y: He shoulda never done it!
Me: What if he were your friend?
Y: He shoulda never done it!
Me: Your brother?
Y: He shoulda never done it!!!!!
Me: Ok, but how would you feel?
Y: I guess sad. But, HE SHOULDA NEVER DONE IT!
M: HE SAID, HE SHOULDA NEVER DONE IT. N***a, you shoulda never done it.
Me: MCHALE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING THE “N” WORD?
M: Dang, I didn’t think you’d catch that.
Me: What else do y’all do in health class?
Y: We play kickball, every day.
Me: Do y’all warm up and stretch?
M: Yea, we stretch. Ms. Amy, are you leaving?
Me: Yea, I have to go shop for my coworker’s baby shower tomorrow.
M & Y: Oooooh can we come????
Me: As long as it’s okay with your parents.
M & Y: Pssh, yea, it’s cool.

In the car:
Me: Put your seat belts on.

Down the block:
Me: I SAID, put your seat belts on! Puh-leeeeeez.

At Target:
M: Wasn’t I helpful last time? I carried all those diapers.
Me: Mchale, why do you happen to come to Target with me every time I shop for baby showers? I’m glad Yahsair is here so people won’t think you’re my baby daddy. So embarrassing!
Y: Ms. Amy, how much are you putting on that gift card?
Me: I collected money from my coworkers and I am putting $200 on it.
Y: Daaaaang. Why do babies need so much money?
Me: Do you know how many diapers a baby needs each day?
Y: Like, 5?
Me: How about 5 to 8? How much do diapers cost?
Y: Like, $20?
Me: For how many diapers?
Y: Like, 48?
Me: Maybe for corner store prices. Then how much would it cost total, just for diapers?
Y: Are you going to buy us video games?

M: Haha. Ms. Amy just gave you a look like, “HELLLLLLS NO!”

And then I pulled a dentist fail and bought them sodas.